Simplicity, unfortunately, does not exist. Debate settled, complexity wins. As put by C.S. Lewis: even "seeing a table" is complicated when you really get down to how the atoms of the wood work together and how the light reflects off the wood and hits your eyes, and how your eyes send the picture to your brain, and how your brain responds to the picture. Let's face it, life is complicated.
Though not far removed, I am no longer a teenager and for the first time in my life I see age as a blessing. With age comes understanding, and sometimes, with understanding comes frustration. Humans long for simplicity but the more I understand, and the more I probe into the fabric of life, the more I see that simplicity is merely an idea.
People often say things like "I wish I was back in kindergarten" (in fact I said that earlier tonight) but were I still in kindergarten, I would not know my precious Jesus. Not to mention, my life would be held back and wasted. Another thing thing people say is "I wish I could just skip the next few years" (I almost said this tonight but thought better of it). If I just skipped ahead, I would miss life experiences that were meant to shape me into who I'm supposed to be. I would lose out on spending quality time with the people in my life now. My life is not so bad that it needs parts to be skipped. As a Christian, I am told to persevere, even though my current situation only frustrates and annoys me, I still must push through with the leading of Jesus Christ and not wish away my troubles, no matter how big or small they may be. It seems so simple, but I've already talked about that.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Friday, February 15, 2008
Following God Part 2!
So, time for personal admission. I WAS WRONG! And being wrong has never felt so good in my entire life. Satan, is very good at what he does, let me tell ya. You see, it's just like I said, following God should be the most natural thing in the world. That means, as long as you are doing everything you can to make Him the center of your life and your life is glorifying Him, common sense is a good guide to what God's will is for your life. Romans 12:2 says "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." We should not live our lives walking the "tight rope" of knowing God's will. God wants us to know his will!
So here's what happened. I really had been struggling because I didn't know 100% what God wanted. All the while I was blind to the things that were screaming at me to stay with Tara. I don't really feel like taking the time or energy to talk about those here but if you want to know just ask and I'll be happy to tell you. Anyways, I allowed my vision to become clouded by uncertainty. I allowed Satan to slip in and slowly eat away at me. In a brief moment of frustration and decision I broke up with her, not really taking time to pray and thing about the situation. It was so hard and I cried like a little baby (actually a really big one.) That was my first clue, since when does breaking up deeply hurt the person doing the breaking up. Also, if it was the right thing, then why did I still have those back and forth feelings? I was reminded about the obvious signs from God about our relationship but in attempt to make things less complicated, brushed them off. I tend to do that when I just don't want to deal with things.
This whole week I've been in a sort of slump, obviously, but I didn't let it stop me from seeking God. I've prayed so much this week and really tried to seek God. Tuesday night, Richard and I went out to talk. We got Frosty's and went and sat on the steps of Webster Baptist. We talked for quite some time and finally realized that we were cold and went inside. What a blessing that it was unlocked! We stayed for a minute and I took Richard back to campus, grabbed my Bibles and went back. I stayed there for quite some time just trying to listen to what God for me. At about 2:00am I finally went back to campus. Wednesday i was till in a slump but started to get better. After talking to Faith, that changed and I was as confused as ever. not from anything she said but because I talked a whole lot and started seeing that things weren't quite lining up. I went back to Webster to pray and was quite blessed to find that Matt Bishop was there. We talked for what seemed like 20 minutes but was actually about an hour!! When he left I spent some time with God alone. And alone was how I felt. My prayers seemed to hit the sanctuary ceiling and fall flat on the floor. I left slightly frustrated but still wanting to know God's will.
Enter Thursday, stage left. What a day! It was amazingly gorgeous, God is quite awesome! On Thursdays, for those who don't know, I go to a Bible study at my friend's house. It is the most spiritually uplifting time of every week. Afterwards, I really wanted to talk to David (the guy who runs it) about my situation. Pretty much before I even finished explaining the situation, he basically called me crazy. David is the one that explained the thing about using common sense to me. Also there to talk about this situation were Richard, Matt B., and a new friend, Jeremy Gross. Jeremy had a lot to say about the subject and I knew that the Holy Spirit was speaking through him. It was a great night! Pretty much as a group of 4 guys we managed to point out my stupidity and confidently came to the conclusion that I was wrong. I was so happy!! immediately mine and Richard's spirits were lifted. We said goodbye to everyone, got Frosty's, grabbed some stuff at the dorm and went to Webster to pray. When we got back I knew that I had to talk to Tara right then. So I called her, told her I was stupid, she already knew that and responded with "Duh." It was so awesome! It was like she was just letting me get worked out and learn what I needed to. That isn't to say that she was hunky-dory the whole week, but it is to say that God had been speaking to her and she was always there waiting. She forgave me and we got things worked out! We prayed together and there were definitely no prayers bouncing off of any ceilings.
So, for you curious people, there it is. I'm sure I left out a lot of stuff but that's enough and it's late, so deal with it. Bottom line: I messed up, hurt someone in the process, sought after God, and was brought to my senses. Although I do wish this had not happened there has been so much good to come from it. For me personally, I learned a lot about hearing from God and discerning His voice. Though it hurt, Tara and I both (and Richard oddly enough) learned a little about ourselves and our relationship. God is so amazing! Only He can take my screw-ups and turn them around to be so good. Praise God!!!!!!!
There's a few people I need to thank for being there for me this past week. First of all, God; duh, haha. Every one else includes Richard, Faith, David, Matt B, and Jeremy. Last but definitely not least, I have to thank Tara. And hey, if you've gotten this far, that means you actually care about me (or skipped down) and I want to thank you.
There's one last question: do we now celebrate October 27, 2007 or February 14, 2008? haha.
So here's what happened. I really had been struggling because I didn't know 100% what God wanted. All the while I was blind to the things that were screaming at me to stay with Tara. I don't really feel like taking the time or energy to talk about those here but if you want to know just ask and I'll be happy to tell you. Anyways, I allowed my vision to become clouded by uncertainty. I allowed Satan to slip in and slowly eat away at me. In a brief moment of frustration and decision I broke up with her, not really taking time to pray and thing about the situation. It was so hard and I cried like a little baby (actually a really big one.) That was my first clue, since when does breaking up deeply hurt the person doing the breaking up. Also, if it was the right thing, then why did I still have those back and forth feelings? I was reminded about the obvious signs from God about our relationship but in attempt to make things less complicated, brushed them off. I tend to do that when I just don't want to deal with things.
This whole week I've been in a sort of slump, obviously, but I didn't let it stop me from seeking God. I've prayed so much this week and really tried to seek God. Tuesday night, Richard and I went out to talk. We got Frosty's and went and sat on the steps of Webster Baptist. We talked for quite some time and finally realized that we were cold and went inside. What a blessing that it was unlocked! We stayed for a minute and I took Richard back to campus, grabbed my Bibles and went back. I stayed there for quite some time just trying to listen to what God for me. At about 2:00am I finally went back to campus. Wednesday i was till in a slump but started to get better. After talking to Faith, that changed and I was as confused as ever. not from anything she said but because I talked a whole lot and started seeing that things weren't quite lining up. I went back to Webster to pray and was quite blessed to find that Matt Bishop was there. We talked for what seemed like 20 minutes but was actually about an hour!! When he left I spent some time with God alone. And alone was how I felt. My prayers seemed to hit the sanctuary ceiling and fall flat on the floor. I left slightly frustrated but still wanting to know God's will.
Enter Thursday, stage left. What a day! It was amazingly gorgeous, God is quite awesome! On Thursdays, for those who don't know, I go to a Bible study at my friend's house. It is the most spiritually uplifting time of every week. Afterwards, I really wanted to talk to David (the guy who runs it) about my situation. Pretty much before I even finished explaining the situation, he basically called me crazy. David is the one that explained the thing about using common sense to me. Also there to talk about this situation were Richard, Matt B., and a new friend, Jeremy Gross. Jeremy had a lot to say about the subject and I knew that the Holy Spirit was speaking through him. It was a great night! Pretty much as a group of 4 guys we managed to point out my stupidity and confidently came to the conclusion that I was wrong. I was so happy!! immediately mine and Richard's spirits were lifted. We said goodbye to everyone, got Frosty's, grabbed some stuff at the dorm and went to Webster to pray. When we got back I knew that I had to talk to Tara right then. So I called her, told her I was stupid, she already knew that and responded with "Duh." It was so awesome! It was like she was just letting me get worked out and learn what I needed to. That isn't to say that she was hunky-dory the whole week, but it is to say that God had been speaking to her and she was always there waiting. She forgave me and we got things worked out! We prayed together and there were definitely no prayers bouncing off of any ceilings.
So, for you curious people, there it is. I'm sure I left out a lot of stuff but that's enough and it's late, so deal with it. Bottom line: I messed up, hurt someone in the process, sought after God, and was brought to my senses. Although I do wish this had not happened there has been so much good to come from it. For me personally, I learned a lot about hearing from God and discerning His voice. Though it hurt, Tara and I both (and Richard oddly enough) learned a little about ourselves and our relationship. God is so amazing! Only He can take my screw-ups and turn them around to be so good. Praise God!!!!!!!
There's a few people I need to thank for being there for me this past week. First of all, God; duh, haha. Every one else includes Richard, Faith, David, Matt B, and Jeremy. Last but definitely not least, I have to thank Tara. And hey, if you've gotten this far, that means you actually care about me (or skipped down) and I want to thank you.
There's one last question: do we now celebrate October 27, 2007 or February 14, 2008? haha.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Following God
Following God should be the most natural thing in the world. However, sometimes (a lot more than sometimes) the things that we want get in the way. And when our vision of God's will gets clouded by our own desires, it has consequences that not only affect us, but those that we care the most about. Just tonight, I had to make one of the toughest decisions I've ever had to make...I had to break up with Tara. I had been struggling for a while not knowing what God wanted, and to make myself feel better, and in an attempt to make things easier, I kept it to myself. The struggling was not the issue though; the issue was that by not being 100% honest, I hurt a very very close friend. My strength and knowledge are no good. God is the only one who can determine what's best for me and anyone else. At the present moment I consider myself to be no more than a dog that isn't good enough for table scraps. I will praise God though. I do not like the circumstances of this situation, and I do not like that I hurt someone very deeply, but I know that my God is in control.
I pray that in the future I can do better.
I'm sorry.
I pray that in the future I can do better.
I'm sorry.
Giving it a try...
So, I've never been one for blogs or journals, but I figured I'd give this a try (thanks Beth). Journaling for me of one of those things I wish I would do, but never seem to be able to carry through with it. I'm going to use this to get random things out there, most probably for my own personal benefit.
So, it's 1:30 in the morning and I'm waiting on my laundry to be finished. I'm slightly proud of myself because I did not want to do it all, but the need for clean underwear overpowered that. There's so much going through my head right now, everything from clean underwear, to the problems with my back, to my relationship with God, to my relationship with Tara. Not much to be said about clean underwear except that we all appreciate it when we have it. The other three things however, have a lot that need to be said. This might turn into a really long post.
So, my back and my chest have been hurting a lot in this past week. It tends to flare up when I'm playing trombone, not good considering I'm a trombone major. I went to the doctor on Friday and he said I had a rib out of alignment and popped it back. He told me to call him Saturday morning and let him know how it felt. Well, it started hurting again Friday night at the wind ensemble concert so I called him Saturday morning and went back and saw him. He popped my back again and found the source of the pain in my right shoulder blade, a really bad muscle spasm he said. He gave me a shot for it and told me he wanted x-rays to make sure we aren't over-looking anything. This brings up a dilemma, when in the world does a music education major have time to go get x-rays? Hopefully Dr. West will let me skip/be late to wind ensemble on Monday. This is all very irritating because I have this undying suspicion that it's going to turn out to be nothing like always. I always think I have something really bad and it always turns about to be completely harmless. Oh well, I guess I'll find out soon enough. Pray for me.
Next on the list: my relationship with God. Wow what a topic! I don't even know where to start except by saying that God is amazing! I walked outside the other morning and was in awe at the beauty of the sky and the mountains. To think that the One who created all of that is present and active in my life is astonishing. Recently I've "revamped" my quiet time. For quite sometime, my alone time with God was something that was routine, basic, and not very good for me spiritually. I realized this and decided to take a new approach. Now, instead of just reading a chapter a day and maybe praying a little bit, I'm taking passages of the Bible and pulling as much as I can out of them. I'm going through the sermon on the mount right now and it is great! The whole thing basically tells you exactly how to be a Christian. I think I'll be in this passage for a while, maybe I should change up the books I reference it from just to keep it interesting, haha. Tonight (Saturday) was incredible! I went to Coulter, the music building, to practice trombone. Well, I decided to not practice but just play for God instead, so I took my iPod and headed out. I went to the chorus room and turned the lights off and just started playing. In my mind it was like I was playing my testimony. After that I turned my iPod to "All Creatures" by David Crowder. I must have repeated that song five times and just played along with it. It was a great worship experience and I finally understood what it meant to use my gifts for God's glory. It's not about playing all these scales and exercises and solos, it's about giving back the gift God has given me and doing it with everything I have. After attempting to play a couple more songs, I just laid on the floor and listened to some music then turned it off, got on my knees and prayed. it was a fantastic night! Praise God!!
So I guess the last thing I mentioned was my relationship with Tara. Wow, what a blessing from God this woman is! It is great to be with someone who not only shares a relationship with God in common, but also almost every view when it comes to the purpose of dating, boundaries, accountability, future house plans, and much much more. Tara pushes me to be closer to Christ, sometimes without even meaning to or knowing it; and for that I am so thankful! In a true Christian relationship, it's not just the man and the woman, Jesus Christ has to be the central figure. A woman needs to have her heart so buried in the heart of God that the man has to seek Him in order to find her; and vice versa. I'm so glad that Tara understands this concept and that she helps me stick to it. I praise God that I'm with her! My prayer is that our relationship would continue to grow in a godly manner, that He would be the center of our relationship, and that we would glorify Him with the way we act towards each other in private and in public. God is so good!
So umm, that was really long and I definitely did not expect it to be. I really hope that I can keep this blog going, it feels nice to get stuff out there. I can pretty much guarantee you all that they will not all be this serious though; ya'll know me better than that.
So, it's 1:30 in the morning and I'm waiting on my laundry to be finished. I'm slightly proud of myself because I did not want to do it all, but the need for clean underwear overpowered that. There's so much going through my head right now, everything from clean underwear, to the problems with my back, to my relationship with God, to my relationship with Tara. Not much to be said about clean underwear except that we all appreciate it when we have it. The other three things however, have a lot that need to be said. This might turn into a really long post.
So, my back and my chest have been hurting a lot in this past week. It tends to flare up when I'm playing trombone, not good considering I'm a trombone major. I went to the doctor on Friday and he said I had a rib out of alignment and popped it back. He told me to call him Saturday morning and let him know how it felt. Well, it started hurting again Friday night at the wind ensemble concert so I called him Saturday morning and went back and saw him. He popped my back again and found the source of the pain in my right shoulder blade, a really bad muscle spasm he said. He gave me a shot for it and told me he wanted x-rays to make sure we aren't over-looking anything. This brings up a dilemma, when in the world does a music education major have time to go get x-rays? Hopefully Dr. West will let me skip/be late to wind ensemble on Monday. This is all very irritating because I have this undying suspicion that it's going to turn out to be nothing like always. I always think I have something really bad and it always turns about to be completely harmless. Oh well, I guess I'll find out soon enough. Pray for me.
Next on the list: my relationship with God. Wow what a topic! I don't even know where to start except by saying that God is amazing! I walked outside the other morning and was in awe at the beauty of the sky and the mountains. To think that the One who created all of that is present and active in my life is astonishing. Recently I've "revamped" my quiet time. For quite sometime, my alone time with God was something that was routine, basic, and not very good for me spiritually. I realized this and decided to take a new approach. Now, instead of just reading a chapter a day and maybe praying a little bit, I'm taking passages of the Bible and pulling as much as I can out of them. I'm going through the sermon on the mount right now and it is great! The whole thing basically tells you exactly how to be a Christian. I think I'll be in this passage for a while, maybe I should change up the books I reference it from just to keep it interesting, haha. Tonight (Saturday) was incredible! I went to Coulter, the music building, to practice trombone. Well, I decided to not practice but just play for God instead, so I took my iPod and headed out. I went to the chorus room and turned the lights off and just started playing. In my mind it was like I was playing my testimony. After that I turned my iPod to "All Creatures" by David Crowder. I must have repeated that song five times and just played along with it. It was a great worship experience and I finally understood what it meant to use my gifts for God's glory. It's not about playing all these scales and exercises and solos, it's about giving back the gift God has given me and doing it with everything I have. After attempting to play a couple more songs, I just laid on the floor and listened to some music then turned it off, got on my knees and prayed. it was a fantastic night! Praise God!!
So I guess the last thing I mentioned was my relationship with Tara. Wow, what a blessing from God this woman is! It is great to be with someone who not only shares a relationship with God in common, but also almost every view when it comes to the purpose of dating, boundaries, accountability, future house plans, and much much more. Tara pushes me to be closer to Christ, sometimes without even meaning to or knowing it; and for that I am so thankful! In a true Christian relationship, it's not just the man and the woman, Jesus Christ has to be the central figure. A woman needs to have her heart so buried in the heart of God that the man has to seek Him in order to find her; and vice versa. I'm so glad that Tara understands this concept and that she helps me stick to it. I praise God that I'm with her! My prayer is that our relationship would continue to grow in a godly manner, that He would be the center of our relationship, and that we would glorify Him with the way we act towards each other in private and in public. God is so good!
So umm, that was really long and I definitely did not expect it to be. I really hope that I can keep this blog going, it feels nice to get stuff out there. I can pretty much guarantee you all that they will not all be this serious though; ya'll know me better than that.
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